Mommy,

I don't like it when you're not happy with me. I can't sleep or eat or anything if you're mad at me. I cry when you're mad at me, because you don't see me for who I am and keep being angry at me anyway even thgouh I dont want you angry. I do anything to stop you from being angry at me. I just want my mommy.

It hurts to know my mommy doesn't believe in me, she doesn't know if I'm good or bad. It really hurts to think that if it came to a murder trial and the prosecutor asks, "You're her mother, Do YOU think she did it?" You would say, "She could have. She might have."

Remember when Yang Jie told me, "Tell you mom everything, because she's the only one--" She got cut off there. And sometimes I wonder what she would have said. "...she's the only one who will stick by you/believe in you/(always) love you."? I don't know. And it hurts to think that maybe that isn't true for you.

It hurts that you think so low of me. Even when you are 'complimenting' me, you're still yelling at me at the same time. It hurts that you don't listen, you don't care. I just want a mommy. I never did anything irrepsonsibly or whatnot. I'm not like the normall teenagers and it hurts that you dont even see this. I'm a lot more mature than they are and so very different, but it means nothing to you because it's coming from me. There isn't even anyone out there who can vouch for me because no one really knows ME. I haven't found anyone I totally trust yet, not even my friends. Some of them know a little, but no one knows ME, everything-me. Because I'm scared. I've been hurt a lot by my closest friends and Im always trying to fit in and be accepted. Probably because I've never been like the other kids my age. Sometimes I even lie about things, simple pointless things that dont even matter to fit in. Not things like drugs, I mean like, my favortie color or a commercial I ddin't see or someting I didn't know about.

Mommy, I haven't found anyone yet. And i've been waiting, just waiting for that person to come and find me or me to find whoever they are.

And mommy, I want you. I want my mommy. I love you.

Your little itty bitty baby,
((Dot))

p.s. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!


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Revelation - Aug. 8th, 2007

The above letter was written during an emotional half hour after 2-3 phone conversations with my mother. As usaual I began to cry during the conversation and it carried on to long afterwards. I predict my eyes will be quite red and swollen tomorrow morning...Ah, to get bak onto the subject at hand. The title of this part is 'Revelation', because I have just remembered a crucial part of our conversation (one of the main points of it) and its implications

She told me to stay away from Catherine. She told me she, Catherine, was a bad girl and thus, a bad influence. She told me to stay away from her--for fear of that influence.

The influence of a little spoiled immature 13-year-old over a mature responsible seventeen-year-old.

*blink, blink*

See the implications? Bascially, I am not sure of myself and have no identity and easily swayed by bad little girls. Hmm. Intriguing thought. Quite nice of her to say so nicely.

Oh, wait, she didn't mean it that way. It 's not what she was trying to say at all. It was her thought revealed to me through her words alone. ^-^ Nice.

Besides that there is also one other point. I'll be fully 'grown' in about a year. And according to what little I know about life, my mother really has no power over who I'm friends with. ^-^ Fact of life. She may rant, yell, scream, but she can't take my friends away. Really nothign she can is the point. *sigh* Too bad.


*Note: Letter never actually read by person*

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